'Til Death Do Us Part...

One of the most confusing moments of breaking up with my ex, (not that there were not a LOT of them), were the times he mentioned needing “closure.” Normally, when two individuals decide to end a relationship, that’s all there is to it. It’s over, the couple chose to part ways, that’s it. No hard feelings, no love lost, the relationship just didn't work out. However, in his mind, that was simply not enough. He wanted one last meeting, one final attempt to express his remorse or guilt - I'm guessing. I was smart enough to not give him that opportunity.

When he and I broke up, he continued to say to me electronically, that he needed closure or that he didnt feel as if he received the closure he needed. He was even willing, according to him, to meet at the local  police department to prove that he didn’t want to hurt me. Well, I enjoy living and because of my history with him, whether we were meeting at a public place or not, I knew that that would’ve been very poor judgment on my part.

Note this: many women have been killed in public places.

As I am thinking over the recent  cases of domestic homicides and suicides, I can’t help but wonder if this is the thinking of most batterers. The scenario of “If I can’t have you, no one else will.” or the infamous, “I can’t live without you.” or “I’ll die if you leave me.” All of these statements represent the central matter in domestic violence and that is power and control. In these final attempts at controlling the victim, he kills her. Leaving children without their mom, leaving a mom withut her daughter or a sister; alone.

I know that there are theories out there about narcissistic personalities and abusive behaviors, but my personal theory is that it is another human life gone too soon. Whether an individual chooses to be with you or not, you nor I don't have the power to take something that we are not able to give back and maybe this is why many domestic homicides end in suicide. It is an opportunity for love eternal.

My best friend often says I don’t need anyone who’s going to love me to death - especially in a way that's is very unhealthy and could result in the ending of my life.

Be careful, your angel in disguise could very well be a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Book Review: The Plus Factor by Tamika L. Sims

Book Review: The Plus Factor by Tamika L. Sims

Check out this review of my book featured in Black Literature Magazine!

Joy

I came across this quote today and thought I would share it:

"I certainly wasn't happy. Happiness has to do with reason, and only reason earns it. What I was given was the thing you can't earn, and can't keep and often don't even recognize at the time; I mean joy." Ursula K. Leguin

In spite of all that I've been through, I still have my joy. 

Life Stage

I am moving and in that process, I decided to place an ad on Craigslist. After one week and a half, I began to receive e-mails and phone calls. Yesterday, I sold my first item to a woman named Guadulupe*.

Guadulupe informed me that she and her husband had recently moved into their new place and she needed the Bakers Rack I had for sale in her kitchen. What a time we had loading this into her car. At first, we did not have the tools needed to take it apart, then; there was the spacing issue in her trunk. After some trial and plenty of error, we were able to load it into her trunk and backseat after borrowing a tool from my neighbor and doing some maneuvering.

We were making small talk, and then she said, “It’s amazing how you go through life. My husband and I didn’t really date, we had a long distance relationship but we have known each other since we were children. I went from being single – to married- to a mom.” You all know me. Once she uttered that statement, instantly my mind started thinking about the life stages we go through and the transitions we make, some instantly, some over time. Some avoidable: but not inevitable.

As Guadulupe, I would hope that you would embrace your life stage with an open mind and heart as she did. Just in my small interaction with her, I could tell that she was strong physically (I mean the girl could lift)! Even climbing inside of her trunk to move a tire and a speaker… talk about strength!  I could tell that she was an independent woman, learning to be handy around the house, during times of her husband’s absence.

I have been in a transitional period, since January 2012. But, this has not been my only time. I have been through several transitions in the past several years. I embraced some and fought against the others, nevertheless, each time they have made me a better person and revealed a little more of my character as I went on. The important thing to remember in a transition is to move. You must be able to move from where you are. You must be able to see a situation for what it really is, acknowledge the truth about it and you and decide. Decide to be the best you that you can be. Decide to learn the lesson. Decide your next steps, and then carefully lay out a plan to carry them out. This is not to say that you will not fail along the way, because you very well may. Falling down is not the issue; the issue is in whether you decide to get back up again.

What about you? What has been your most influential transitional period? What did you learn from it? What did you change as a result of it? How did it make you a better person? Leave a comment below..

"I Choose to Stay"

"My husband is narcissistic and has been for all of our 38 years of marriage. His abusive behavior includes control, verbal and emotional abuse, false accusations and more. ...I have not left my husband, nor will I..."

Take a moment and think on her words.

This woman willingly admitted that she had been married to an abusive man for almost 40 years, yet in recognizing his behavior, she also was able to recognize in herself, that no matter what she was not dissolving her marriage. What a bold statement!

I was able to provide her with support; letting her know that leaving or staying would always be her decision. She chose to stay. Therefore, I would not be the voice of condemnation or judgment as some are in the habit of doing. I let her know that she was strong and resilient and that it was good for her to recognize that she not get lost in her “staying.” She was then able to admit to me that she had somehow and sometimes in a very small manner, put herself and her needs first.

During the rest of our conversation, I let her know that there were community resources available to her. She could join a local battered women’s support group or volunteer with a local program. I informed her that participating on this level would allow her to see that she was not alone in her decision-making. Many women struggle with whether or not to leave their abusive partner. Victims choose to stay for a number of reasons: fear, lack of family or financial support, love, guilt or shame.

Survivors of domestic violence are at a unique place in their lives. Within them lies the power to believe in themselves, put them first and be the author of their own destiny. What then can you do to help a woman who chooses to stay?

1.      Support her decision; even if it is not a decision you would make for yourself;

2.      Provide a listening ear or shoulder to learn on.

3.      Provide practical support (holding on to important documents, extra sets of clothing, etc).

4.      Express concern for her safety and the safety of her children.

5.      Keep her trust. Maintain confidentiality.

6.      This is the hardest: NEVER, EVER tell a woman to leave her relationship – this will surely backfire.

7.      Very simply: be a good friend and remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Consistency

This past week I was talking with a friend about consistency.

We had been talking for quite some time about changes we both needed to make in our lives. Sometimes, these changes needed to be made in similar areas. This friend is someone that I am able to be very honest and frank with – especially with areas that I have concerns about. I expressed my feelings on a very important matter and then said to him, “consistency is the name of the game.” This friend agreed. I was asked to share my suggestions and I did. Well, in worship service today, the title of the pastor’s sermon was consistency.

Here’s what I learned today:

Consistency is defined as the catalyst of success. It is the constant adhering to the same principles. It is firmness. Consistency requires discipline. It is often the discipline factor that hinders us from being consistent in every area of our lives. Consistency causes the people in our lives to develop a certain sense of security in the things we do. Why? Our behavior remains the same. Often with this, as the pastor said today, we are taken for granted. He went on to say something very interesting, that we should see our being taken for granted as a compliment rather than an offense. I thought on this for a moment but then realized the truth in this statement. Well, what about the opposite of being consistent; inconsistent.

Inconsistency hinders your growth. It can develop into a pattern where you never achieve and get to the place where God wants you to be. Whereas consistency requires discipline, inconsistency does not. Inconsistency doesn’t care about the goals you have set for your life. Because quite frankly; being inconsistent ensures that you will never get there.

In my quiet time, I am often reflecting on my life and my vision for my life. What I have realized is that I am very good with leaving tips from “Tamika’s Toolkit.” I want to be known as a resource that helps to empower and educate others. Here are tips from Tamika’s Toolkit on being more consistent.  
1.      An excellent spirit will get you preferential treatment. Inconsistency in your life, will keep you from developing an excellent spirit.

2.      Being consistent will allow you to remain true to yourself even in conflict.

3.      Your consistent behavior helps others to develop a sense of security that envelopes them. These people know that you will always remain true, because you always have.

Oh, did I mention consistency is the name of the game?.

 

Tamika

Domestic Violence: Love's Crime

Last week, I learned of the tragic death of a former church member, Johnette; violently strangled to death by her boyfriend of six months. A crime he lied about committing in an attempt to cover up what he did. My heart has been grieving her death since last Thursday. I came to the realization that at any time during the violent attacks by my former boyfriend, that could have been me. As my mom came to the realization, tears began to fall from her cheeks to her clothing. Her heart was overwhelmed, another life lost to domestic violence. Then late Saturday evening, I learned of the domestic violence crime involving Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson and Evelyn Lozada; this occurring after only one month of marriage.

Domestic violence knows no race or ethnicity. It does not care if you are a successful reality television star or a call center employee. It does not matter about your socio-economic status or educational background. It is love’s crime. At the end of the day, domestic violence is about power and control. One partner abusing his power over the other. The love the victim feels for the abuser is used against her in many ways. It keeps her subservient, dependent and struggling with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

I have heard the comments made about both women – all of which enraged me to no end. People speak out of ignorance; due to a lack of understanding of what life is like for the battered woman. Until they walk a mile in those high-heeled shoes, they will never know what it means. People on the outside looking in, don’t understand how powerless she is. Nor, the depth of psychological abuse she has endured. No victim wants to really believe that their partner is abusive. She feels as if she can love him harder, more, deeper and her situation will change, but sadly, there is nothing she can do. Violence is a choice he makes.

Domestic violence is not about anger. If this were the case, we would all be abusers. Violence is not caused by mental illness, genetics, stress or the state of our current economy. Let me restate this fact: violence is a choice.

If you, or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, get out while you still can. The violence will never go away, regardless of how apologetic he is it will happen again. The violence will get worse. You could end up seriously injured or worse. Recognize the fact that you are not alone in what you’re experiencing. Your emotional roller coaster, the highs and the lows, are all very normal and to be expected. Many victims have been in your shoes and they have made it; so will you. Call 1-800-799-SAFE and learn more about resources in your area.

Let’s not sit back idly and learn of another victim. Let’s act while we can – before it becomes too late.