Domestic Violence: Love's Crime

Last week, I learned of the tragic death of a former church member, Johnette; violently strangled to death by her boyfriend of six months. A crime he lied about committing in an attempt to cover up what he did. My heart has been grieving her death since last Thursday. I came to the realization that at any time during the violent attacks by my former boyfriend, that could have been me. As my mom came to the realization, tears began to fall from her cheeks to her clothing. Her heart was overwhelmed, another life lost to domestic violence. Then late Saturday evening, I learned of the domestic violence crime involving Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson and Evelyn Lozada; this occurring after only one month of marriage.

Domestic violence knows no race or ethnicity. It does not care if you are a successful reality television star or a call center employee. It does not matter about your socio-economic status or educational background. It is love’s crime. At the end of the day, domestic violence is about power and control. One partner abusing his power over the other. The love the victim feels for the abuser is used against her in many ways. It keeps her subservient, dependent and struggling with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

I have heard the comments made about both women – all of which enraged me to no end. People speak out of ignorance; due to a lack of understanding of what life is like for the battered woman. Until they walk a mile in those high-heeled shoes, they will never know what it means. People on the outside looking in, don’t understand how powerless she is. Nor, the depth of psychological abuse she has endured. No victim wants to really believe that their partner is abusive. She feels as if she can love him harder, more, deeper and her situation will change, but sadly, there is nothing she can do. Violence is a choice he makes.

Domestic violence is not about anger. If this were the case, we would all be abusers. Violence is not caused by mental illness, genetics, stress or the state of our current economy. Let me restate this fact: violence is a choice.

If you, or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, get out while you still can. The violence will never go away, regardless of how apologetic he is it will happen again. The violence will get worse. You could end up seriously injured or worse. Recognize the fact that you are not alone in what you’re experiencing. Your emotional roller coaster, the highs and the lows, are all very normal and to be expected. Many victims have been in your shoes and they have made it; so will you. Call 1-800-799-SAFE and learn more about resources in your area.

Let’s not sit back idly and learn of another victim. Let’s act while we can – before it becomes too late.

Transition

One week ago I had the pleasure of serving on a panel entitled “Seasons of a Woman.” I did not realize what a tremendous blessing this would be. The topics covered almost every area of a woman’s life. There was a panelist who had a human resources background, so she discussed professional women in the workplace. Other topics were marriage; parenting and then I discussed healthy/unhealthy relationships.

Healing took place in that room that Friday evening.

To add icing to the cake, that following Saturday morning I spoke at a women’s empowerment brunch on “Empowering Your Future: People Want to Know Your Story.”  Talk about powerful! My heart was so overjoyed that I was crying while presenting. I consider myself a professional speaker so that was not my normal. Nevertheless, the tears shed were cleansing.

Then I accepted a new position having to resign from my beloved job at a local non-profit. I struggled making this decision because I was the one of the few who actually loves their job. But when life has you in a period of transition you have no choice but to move. While I struggled with saying, “yes”, I also knew that I had to be business-like and think of myself and my family.

What is a transition and how do you know when you are in one? I thought you’d never ask. Merriam-Webster defines “transition” as: passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another. The next word in the definition in all capital letters: CHANGE. I am not one to neglect my spiritual side. It is because of this that I always remain sensitive to God’s voice. I have known since January 2012 that this would be the year of transition for me. I have experienced change in several areas of my life; some good, some not so good. Yet, I have learned the lessons that accompany each.

Transitions are inevitable and essential; essential to your growth and development; upward mobility or any lateral move you make. They are unavoidable. The process will go smoothly if you allow it to happen and not go kicking and screaming. But, I hear you. We are human beings and it is in our nature to resist change. Think about it. How much more does that put off the thing that God wants to happen in your life?

Today, I’m encouraging you to embrace the change that is happening in your life. Don’t resist it. Don’t postpone it.

You never know what blessing will be waiting on you, the other side of through.

Be Inspired! Be Encouraged! Be Empowered!

Tamika