Book Review: The Plus Factor by Tamika L. Sims

Book Review: The Plus Factor by Tamika L. Sims

Check out this review of my book featured in Black Literature Magazine!

Joy

I came across this quote today and thought I would share it:

"I certainly wasn't happy. Happiness has to do with reason, and only reason earns it. What I was given was the thing you can't earn, and can't keep and often don't even recognize at the time; I mean joy." Ursula K. Leguin

In spite of all that I've been through, I still have my joy. 

Life Stage

I am moving and in that process, I decided to place an ad on Craigslist. After one week and a half, I began to receive e-mails and phone calls. Yesterday, I sold my first item to a woman named Guadulupe*.

Guadulupe informed me that she and her husband had recently moved into their new place and she needed the Bakers Rack I had for sale in her kitchen. What a time we had loading this into her car. At first, we did not have the tools needed to take it apart, then; there was the spacing issue in her trunk. After some trial and plenty of error, we were able to load it into her trunk and backseat after borrowing a tool from my neighbor and doing some maneuvering.

We were making small talk, and then she said, “It’s amazing how you go through life. My husband and I didn’t really date, we had a long distance relationship but we have known each other since we were children. I went from being single – to married- to a mom.” You all know me. Once she uttered that statement, instantly my mind started thinking about the life stages we go through and the transitions we make, some instantly, some over time. Some avoidable: but not inevitable.

As Guadulupe, I would hope that you would embrace your life stage with an open mind and heart as she did. Just in my small interaction with her, I could tell that she was strong physically (I mean the girl could lift)! Even climbing inside of her trunk to move a tire and a speaker… talk about strength!  I could tell that she was an independent woman, learning to be handy around the house, during times of her husband’s absence.

I have been in a transitional period, since January 2012. But, this has not been my only time. I have been through several transitions in the past several years. I embraced some and fought against the others, nevertheless, each time they have made me a better person and revealed a little more of my character as I went on. The important thing to remember in a transition is to move. You must be able to move from where you are. You must be able to see a situation for what it really is, acknowledge the truth about it and you and decide. Decide to be the best you that you can be. Decide to learn the lesson. Decide your next steps, and then carefully lay out a plan to carry them out. This is not to say that you will not fail along the way, because you very well may. Falling down is not the issue; the issue is in whether you decide to get back up again.

What about you? What has been your most influential transitional period? What did you learn from it? What did you change as a result of it? How did it make you a better person? Leave a comment below..

"I Choose to Stay"

"My husband is narcissistic and has been for all of our 38 years of marriage. His abusive behavior includes control, verbal and emotional abuse, false accusations and more. ...I have not left my husband, nor will I..."

Take a moment and think on her words.

This woman willingly admitted that she had been married to an abusive man for almost 40 years, yet in recognizing his behavior, she also was able to recognize in herself, that no matter what she was not dissolving her marriage. What a bold statement!

I was able to provide her with support; letting her know that leaving or staying would always be her decision. She chose to stay. Therefore, I would not be the voice of condemnation or judgment as some are in the habit of doing. I let her know that she was strong and resilient and that it was good for her to recognize that she not get lost in her “staying.” She was then able to admit to me that she had somehow and sometimes in a very small manner, put herself and her needs first.

During the rest of our conversation, I let her know that there were community resources available to her. She could join a local battered women’s support group or volunteer with a local program. I informed her that participating on this level would allow her to see that she was not alone in her decision-making. Many women struggle with whether or not to leave their abusive partner. Victims choose to stay for a number of reasons: fear, lack of family or financial support, love, guilt or shame.

Survivors of domestic violence are at a unique place in their lives. Within them lies the power to believe in themselves, put them first and be the author of their own destiny. What then can you do to help a woman who chooses to stay?

1.      Support her decision; even if it is not a decision you would make for yourself;

2.      Provide a listening ear or shoulder to learn on.

3.      Provide practical support (holding on to important documents, extra sets of clothing, etc).

4.      Express concern for her safety and the safety of her children.

5.      Keep her trust. Maintain confidentiality.

6.      This is the hardest: NEVER, EVER tell a woman to leave her relationship – this will surely backfire.

7.      Very simply: be a good friend and remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”