"I Choose to Stay"

"My husband is narcissistic and has been for all of our 38 years of marriage. His abusive behavior includes control, verbal and emotional abuse, false accusations and more. ...I have not left my husband, nor will I..."

Take a moment and think on her words.

This woman willingly admitted that she had been married to an abusive man for almost 40 years, yet in recognizing his behavior, she also was able to recognize in herself, that no matter what she was not dissolving her marriage. What a bold statement!

I was able to provide her with support; letting her know that leaving or staying would always be her decision. She chose to stay. Therefore, I would not be the voice of condemnation or judgment as some are in the habit of doing. I let her know that she was strong and resilient and that it was good for her to recognize that she not get lost in her “staying.” She was then able to admit to me that she had somehow and sometimes in a very small manner, put herself and her needs first.

During the rest of our conversation, I let her know that there were community resources available to her. She could join a local battered women’s support group or volunteer with a local program. I informed her that participating on this level would allow her to see that she was not alone in her decision-making. Many women struggle with whether or not to leave their abusive partner. Victims choose to stay for a number of reasons: fear, lack of family or financial support, love, guilt or shame.

Survivors of domestic violence are at a unique place in their lives. Within them lies the power to believe in themselves, put them first and be the author of their own destiny. What then can you do to help a woman who chooses to stay?

1.      Support her decision; even if it is not a decision you would make for yourself;

2.      Provide a listening ear or shoulder to learn on.

3.      Provide practical support (holding on to important documents, extra sets of clothing, etc).

4.      Express concern for her safety and the safety of her children.

5.      Keep her trust. Maintain confidentiality.

6.      This is the hardest: NEVER, EVER tell a woman to leave her relationship – this will surely backfire.

7.      Very simply: be a good friend and remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”