"I'm Tired of Remembering, Help Me to Forget!"

                      
…very strong words from my sister.

With the recent publication of my first book The Plus Factor- I have had to remember and recount everything bad in my former abusive relationship. Yet, I understand that in order for us to move forward- we have to remember although it would seem better for us if we could forget.

When my sister expressed this sentiment - it was from a place where several emotions were running together. Joy and pain. Hate and love. Even feelings of turmoil and triumph woven in between. Yet, when she said it, although, we laughed about it - I could completely relate. How often would you and I want to forget our pain and whom caused the pain? Forget where we were when the painful event happened to us? Our minds and our hearts say we should let go, we should move on, let bygones be bygones and subsequently let the pain go away. But, then we remember; and it comes back to us freshly embedded in our psyches. It’s as if we are living it all over again.

So it is with me.

It’s very difficult to share the pain of domestic abuse with the world. I say in my book, “domestic violence was no longer going to be my secret, the jewel placed in my crown as though it was a prized possession.” But, rather it was time for me to experience the healing that was mine for the asking. Yes, I had undergone therapy, intensive individual as well as group. I journaled, almost every day. I talked it over with other survivors, women who had walked the path that was now lain before me. Everytime I thought I was getting better, I realized that hole was just a little bit deeper. I still had more in me; more emotions, more pain and I needed to get them out. I needed to write. I needed the journey of my soul’s healing to be made a memorial for all who would come after me and needed to know that there was a way out.

I remembered. I remembered that this journey was no longer about me. I realized that it was not my duty to share my story; it was a privilege. God gave me the opportunity, so this was something I got to do. I remembered that I was not the only one suffering in silence. I remembered in the place that the spiritually sick come to get help - there were victims. I remembered that had it not been for someone reaching out to help me, that I may still be in that relationship. I remembered knowing that there was more in life for me to do. I remembered that my life had purpose and destiny. I remembered that somewhere, some place, some victim was going to read my story and use it to get help themselves or share it with a loved one.

Remembering was hard; forgetting even more so  - but the good has most certainly outweighed the bad.

Oh, and my sister? She's helping me deal with the pain everyday.